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Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be free?
Not having to care so much abouat what other people think of you. Ever wondered what it’s like to be yourself, do what you want whether people are there or not?
That’s a shy and sensitive person’s dream all day long.
When you’re sensitive and anxious, being outside is a burden.
You fear your problem of shyness may surface at any time. You don’t know why you suddenly feel embarassed and anxious when you do something other people are doing freely.
For that reason you decide not to engage much in public. You’re reserved, ‘humble’, talk less, act less, smile less, just to keep your demon in check.
But even when you try so hard to hide it away, many times they still pierce their way to the surface.
On rare occassions, you find yourself free of everything. You act freely without feeling shy at all. “Is this me?” You ask yourself.
Suddenly you get conscious, ‘turn off the light’ and shrink back into the dark.
“When will I be free?” You ask yourself.
It’s limiting you. Even when you’re good at something, you can’t deliver because you’re too anxious.
All day long you day dream about your freedom.
Right now you must be wondering how I am able to describe you in such great detail.
It’s because I’ve been there. I felt what you feel. I know what it’s like to feel embarassed for no reason – even when you’re at your best.
I have served time in that prison before. I broke out and I know what freedom feels like. This is why I want to help you get out of it.
I want you to be free too. I am, you will be.
So hold my hand let me help you anihilate the thing ruining your life.
It’s time to be the best you can be.
Many Don’t Understand
I have noticed that many people have no idea what it means to be shy.
It’s why many shy people are lonely.
No one know what it feels like to be them. Unless you’ve been there you won’t understand.
This is why shy people are mocked.
It’s the reason there are so many useless techniques for curing shyness and low self esteem.
Many solutions just mask the problem. It doesn’t fix it.
I read many things, watched lots of videos, to no avail.
So many poor solutions everywhere, created by people who have never experienced the problem.
You can’t take someone on a journey you’ve never done.
After many years of battling, trying and failing, rising and falling, I know what it means to be shy. I know you can overcome it.
It isn’t something the shy person can control.
It just happens. Suddenly their brain is overloaded with all these thoughts and their bodies start reacting before they know what is going on.
At that point they are already exhausted and can’t help themselves.
They want to ask the world for help but it smears at them without any form of compassion.
This causes shy people to shrink back inside and continue in loneliness.
But if you’ve felt shy before, don’t fret, you’re not alone.
There are people who understand what you’re struggling with.
It’s time to break free and be the best version of yourself – free and at ease.
Don’t Fall for Masking Techniques
You’ll find a lot of techniques out there that only mask the problem but never solve it.
They teach you about posture: stand erect, sit with your legs crossed, etc.
Make eye contact. Grab the hand firmly in a handshake.
Start the conversation with so and so line. Eat slowly. All kinds of crap are out there.
While this will help during an official gathering or when you’re trying to land a job, it’s useless for shy people.
Learn them. But know they won’t help fix shyness.
The most effective solution is dealing with the problem directly and rooting it out completely.
Let’s start by understanding how people get shy in the first place.
Causes of Shyness
A good number things can cause shyness. Often times it’s difficult to tell if it’s caused by one thing or a collection of things.
While some people notice it early in life, others have it appear midway through life.
But many times when it comes to mental and emotional problems, the damage may be so widespread that fixing the cause doesn’t take care of everything.
It’s good to know what caused a problem but be ready to reach further if knowing the cause is not much help.
Here are 2 well-known causes of shyness. It appears all other causes of shyness can be found under these two.
1. Genetics
According to Brighthorizons.com, about 15-20 percent of children are born with temperamental traits that make the child more likely to be fearful, timid, reserved or shy.
This shows that someone can be ‘born shy’.
Although not shy per se. But we’ve seen children who right from birth are more reserved around strangers.
They hardly take risks or interact with things they’re not familiar with.
Depending on their experiences in life, they could grow up the be very normal but reserved and sensitive individuals.
On the other hand, they may end up shy and timid individuals.
2. Life Experiences
Bullying, rejection, broken homes, and other traumatizing events can make someone shy.
But the impact of these events on individuals vary.
Consider this: while some bottles break and shatter completely, others will break and turn into a good weapon.
There’s only so much an individual can take when life deals you a heavy blow.
When a family member brings shame on everyone.
When the only thing that made life worth living is taken away.
Life experiences can be a major reason we find ourselves struggling with shyness.
Through my experience with this problem, here is how you can gain freedom.
Realize it’s not something you can control
I wish I knew this early on.
Since many in society don’t understand what it means to be shy, and often look at it as a plague, most shy people are conditioned to feel everything is their fault.
Dude! Girl! Babe! Sir! Ma’am! The first thing I need you to realize is that this isn’t your fault.
You didn’t pick your genetic arrangements.
You didn’t decide how your body would react to the traumatizing events you were subjected to.
Or the ones that keep happening everyday of your life.
It is not your fault! So don’t let people who don’t have any idea who you are make you feel worse about yourself.
Your responsibility right now is getting better, not getting worse.
Shyness kicks in at random. It’s more of reflexes and less of something you can control.
It’s similar to how you react when you’re startled.
It’s going to take working on your mind to fix it.
Learn this on time. It’s not your fault. But you will fix it.
It’s not a death Sentence
The longer you stay in that dark lonely holy, the harder it is to think you’ll ever get out.
But, hey, I got out. Millions have made it out too.
You won’t be any different.
But you have to fight.
You also need to do all it takes to remain positive in all things.
You landed on the wrong side of things. But it’s not who you are. You’ll surely get better as you work things out.
You’re probably too hard on Yourself
When I didn’t understand what was happening to me – that it wasn’t something I could control or something I did to myself – I used to sometimes think poorly of myself.
I thought, maybe I’m not good enough. I’m a mess. Others are better than me.
These thoughts could cross your mind especially if you’re struggling with low self esteem too, which is something many shy people also struggle with anyway.
And when you start working on yourself, you might try to get over things overnight.
Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You need to care for your heart more than you need to be hard on it.
The world is already too hard. Give yourself the care and attention you need as you gradually gain control over shyness.
Overcome Negative Self Talk By Rejecting Labels
One of the most difficult things I had to deal with as a shy teenager was labels.
Terms like inferiority complex. Has anyone used this word on you before?
You hear someone say, “She is shy.” “He has an inferiority complex.”
It’s an easy word to look up and use, so people tend to use it on shy people.
They feel justified. It makes them feel good about themselves. Like they know things.
But that is also one of the most misused terms of all time. I say this because the people using it have no idea what’s going on inside a shy person.
Shyness is not something a person decides to pick and drop. It’s just mostly there. It comes out when you’re conscious just the same way sweat comes out when you’re hot.
So girl! Dude! This is one of the things you need to work on.
Reject all kinds of labels people will use on you. It is not who you are.
The same way you shouldn’t let anyone say you’re stupid, or foolish, don’t let anyone use bad terms on you. Like shy, inferior, dumb, etc.
Truth be told most of the time they are wrong. They can’t always define everything in English so I’ll say they shut up! English is limited. Feelings are endless.
While it is true that a shy person may act and feel inferior, accepting these labels will only make you worse.
Pushing labels on a shy person makes him worse.
Reject every label you have internalized as well. Because the strongest voice is the one from within.
Have you noticed saying to yourself things like, “I am shy. I am slow. I am not as good as ….”
You have internalized most of it because that’s what most people say about you. That’s how you think people see you.
Change that mindset completely. That’s what they feel like saying. It’s not who you are.
When you accept it, your nervous system accepts it too, and the shyness continues.
When you reject it, your system starts rejecting, eroding the shyness and solidifying your confidence.
I can tell you as a survivor YOU ARE NOT “SHY.” YOU ARE NOT “INFERIOR.”
The same way you can train your system to wake up early; to react in a certain way to certain things, you can train your system to learn to stay calm and free.
It will be difficult at first but as you stay on it, you’ll find your system begins to build and strengthen.
Give yourself some time and shyness will be a thing of the past. If you fall, (cry and rest if you have to), get up and keep going.
Retrain Your Mind
We have become so many lies.
I realize that while psychological terms help us define things, it also tends to imprison the people we use them on, unless those people are ‘alive’ enough to mentally and consciously reject those things.
You’ve believed you’re shy. You’re constantly telling yourself you’re shy.
You are not shy. It’s a way your body reacts. It’s not who you are. Good news — you can train your system to normalize.
I need you to separate ‘who you are’ from what you feel. I need you to separate who you are from what you can or can’t do.
It’s like people who leave their mouths slightly open. Is that who they are? No!
Once they start closing their mouths consciously, over time, it becomes normal for them.
There must have been something someone said you can’t do. But after some learning you became very good at it?
Dang! Shyness is not different. Just like other things you’ve changed by focusing your mind and effort, shyness is no different.
It may take longer depending on a few factors. Occasionally it will show up — laugh at it.
But don’t let that deter you. I have been there. And eventually you erode shyness till you kill it completely.
If you have been shy for a long time, being free can feel strange.
Your body likes what it is used to, even when it may not be good for you.
Don’t fall for that trick.
Normalize being free. Normalize living the life you want. Normalize being who you want to be.
Stop Being Too Agreeable
One of the problems most people have is that they can’t stand up for themselves – don’t want to stand up for themselves.
Some also have a hard time saying no to people because they want to be accepted.
For reasons like these, you may be taking up more than you should in life.
This leads to being constantly under pressure, overworking and overloading an already overloaded nervous system.
Over time, this makes it more difficult to find your feet and overcome triggers.
It’s time to change this.
Learn to say “no” and be comfortable. So your body and mind can have time to relax, process, feel good, and be you.
Moreover, doing too much means you’ll accomplish less, which leads to feeling worse about yourself. This is exactly what you don’t need if you want to overcome shyness.
Are you easy, agreeable, empathetic, learn to say no.
I have talked about how to deal with these in more detail in another article. It’s going to help if you are agreeable, sensitive, or empathetic.
You’ll be Triggered: Take it One day at a time
Even when you seem to have overcome the enemy. It may still show up when you least expect it.
This will happen especially for those who have endured some form of trauma in the past.
Everytime you are overloaded emotionally, even physically which may lead to an emotional or a mental overload, you will become vulnerable.
These are moments where you most likely find your nervous system reacting in ways you can’t control.
In times like this, you’ll find it hard to control the mental and emotional onslaught you’ll experience.
That’s why it’s important to take good care of yourself.
Learn to give yourself the rest and attention it requires.
Eat well. Exercise. Do what you love. Surround yourself with good friends.
Pray and Meditate
Take time to pray to God and meditate.
Before you begin, during the journey, when you’ve tried your best but still find things hard, reach out to God and let him hold you up.
I prayed many times during my journey out of this problem.
Prayer and meditation on the word of God and affirmations is a great way to strengthen and retrain your mind.
Make Friends With Good People
If you’re shy, you’ll hardly have friends.
Even when you do, you may only end up with people you may not want to be with.
Shy people are not very good at making friends. So they’ll have someone in mind they admire but never talk to the person.
That has to change. You have to learn how to approach and talk to people you love.
Most times we love them because their values and passion are similar to ours.
This is just the kind of person you need to make your life better. So stop wasting time.
Connect with them. Connect with like minds.
Sometimes you’ll find they’ve been waiting to talk to you too.
There is someone I waited so long to meet. When I finally did, she asked me why I waited so long to connect with her.
Many have missed life partners because they were waiting to get perfect. Nobody is!
And don’t do anything to be accepted. Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t go looking for someone to make you feel better about yourself.
Never make friends because you want to use it as a way to level up and feel good about yourself.
Let your self esteem come from within. No matter what you have or don’t have, you have as much right to exist, smile, live your life just as the next person.
Only connect because you love their personality.
When you connect with good people, they make you better. Iron sharpens iron.
So get out there and connect with top minds like yours.
See an Expert
If you have the means to see an expert, do it.
They are experts for a reason.
Wrapping Up
Sometimes all I want to do is talk to someone struggling with shyness and low self esteem.
I want to tell them there’s nothing wrong with them.
That they’re wasting time not making the friends they are supposed to make.
Yes, most shy people don’t want many friends. But I also know they don’t make friends with some of the people they’re supposed to make.
It’s time to get your life back. Decide to do what you want to do. Enjoy your life one day at a time.
Here’s a recap of what we’ve learned.
- Realize it’s not something you can control: It’s mostly a reaction from your nervous system. But with time, you will learn to manage and control it.
- You’re probably too hard on yourself: Take it easy. You didn’t choose your life’s events, nor did you choose your genetic arrangement. You’ll get better. Take it one day at a time.
- It’s not a death sentence
- Overcome Negative Self Talk By Rejecting Labels: You are a great person. Reject those people and voices trying to label you inferior, shy, slow, etc. Put all that in the trash. Enjoy your life.
- Retrain your mind: One day at a time, train your mind to learn how to be you comfortably.
- Stop Being Too Agreeable: Learn to say no, and be good with it. The earth won’t fall off its axis.
- You’ll be Triggered: Under intense pressure, emotional stress, you may become vulnerable. It could trigger something you thought you’d buried. It happens. Don’t lose yourself. Rest and continue.
- Pray and meditate
- See an Expert
- Make Friends With Good People
Take Action
If you’ve read this far, it means you are serious about living your best life.
Make sure you take action with all you’ve learned here.
Write it down useful ideas where you can access it easily. Taking practical steps one day at a time with the new knowledge you now have is the fastest way to overcoming shyness.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
Don’t think you’re shy because you’re not jumping around like others.
No. You jump when you want. Smile when you want. Cry when you want. Do what you want, say what you want when you want.
You can choose to smile while others are laughing hard. You can also choose to laugh hard while others are smiling.
You can choose to dance when nobody feels like it.
You can choose not to when everybody’s doing it.
Be you unapologetically.
Happy, sad, calm, spicy, angry, slow, fast, extrovert, introvert, thin, fat, making progress, not making progress, tired, strong, whatever. Be cool.
You don’t owe the world nothing.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
Go out there and live your best life.
From me to you, with love.
