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Many of us, regardless of age or gender, have been in similar situations where we feel pressured to explain our personal life choices.
In today’s fast-paced world, societal and cultural expectations often create invisible pressures, forcing us to justify the most personal aspects of our lives.
These pressures come from family, friends, colleagues, and even strangers on social media.
But here’s the reality: You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your life choices, and constantly feeling the need to do so can take a serious toll on your mental health.
If you’re reading this, chances are you already know that. But the problem with us is trusting our gut.
Other times it’s standing our ground: you know they shouldn’t ask you such a question but you may have been so used to being controlled that you’re not even sure how to express your pain and annoyance.
If you haven’t been putting people in their place, you are doing yourself more harm than good. Here’s why.
How Constantly Having to Explain Affects You
A 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that individuals who routinely face external pressure to explain their decisions exhibited higher rates of anxiety, social stress, and even depression.
This study aligns with the perspective of Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher in vulnerability and courage, who reminds us, “Setting boundaries is about making clear what is and isn’t okay, and why.”
And I say amen to that!
Understanding the things you don’t owe an explanation for is essential.
Not only does it improve your emotional well-being, but also fosters personal growth and healthier relationships.
And when we say healthier relationships, this only applies when you’re in a relationship with someone ready to give you love and respect.
In toxic relationships, once you start demanding normal respect, they try to gaslight you by calling you mean or “too secretive.”
Understanding Boundaries and Self-Ownership
Constantly explaining or justifying your decisions can feel emotionally exhausting.
Psychologist Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne points out that people who feel compelled to offer explanations for their choices may struggle with people-pleasing tendencies or societal conditioning.
Over time, this could lead to lower self-esteem as validation becomes dependent on the approval of others.
People who feel compelled to offer explanations for their choices may struggle with people-pleasing tendencies or societal conditioning. Over time, this could lead to lower self-esteem as validation becomes dependent on the approval of others.
You can imagine the mental impact on those who are forced to have to explain themselves all the time.
What disturbs me so much is we take these things for granted – because we have no idea the damage it does to us mentally.
There is immense freedom in being able to say “no” without explaining yourself.
It does feel empowering to reject the need for external validation—allowing you to focus on living a life that is authentically yours.
In other words, if you see yourself struggling with self-esteem and always needing someone to validate your feelings, one of the things to deal with is always having to explain yourself to others so your system can normalize.
Dr. Whitbourne notes that, “Self-ownership is a central aspect of mental health, where being able to confidently assert your choices without feeling the need to justify them can significantly alleviate stress.”
The 10 Things You Don’t Owe Anyone an Explanation For
Now let’s look at those things you really don’t owe anyone an explanation for.
1. Your Life Priorities
We all have different priorities, whether that means prioritizing career advancement, spending more time with family, or honing personal hobbies.
Your choice of what to prioritize doesn’t need to be defended, even to those closest to you.
We all should be free to do what we want when we want it.
As long as we choose to do so with our senses intact, we don’t really have to explain why we do what we’re doing.
Justifying your life priorities can divert your attention from what truly matters to you and cause internal conflict.
For example, constantly explaining why you focus on your career can make you second-guess those decisions and lead to feelings of inadequacy. So watch out!
Suppose you’re putting energy into your well-being through yoga rather than socializing as much.
A good boundary response could be, “I need to focus on my health right now, and that’s important to me.” Period!
2. Your Relationship Status
We live in a world that often imposes a timeline for love, marriage, and children.
However, whether you’re single, in a relationship, or choosing to live an unconventional love life, your status doesn’t merit explanation.
Even when you’re married (just one month in) you hear things like, “When is the baby coming.”
That’s for the couple to think about. No one else.
Sometimes people around want to know about your intimate life with your partner. But no, they should stay out of it. You only talk to whom you want to talk to.
This persistent questioning about your relationship status can contribute to feelings of isolation or inadequacy.
We must learn to feel complete by ourselves and feel strong about the decisions we make for ourselves.
Don’t let external pressures ruin well-thought plans you’ve made for yourself.
3. How You Spend Your Free Time
Your free time is exactly that—yours.
Whether you spend the weekend bingeing Netflix, hiking, or attending a craft class, the way you decompress should not require justification.
I’ve heard how some people need to justify they were sleeping.
But no I don’t. I slept because I slept. Unless there is a good reason I know of which would prompt me to give you information, I won’t.
When I’m tired, I sleep, period!
Having to explain how you spend your free time often leads to conforming to societal expectations, which can result in burnout, social fatigue, or general dissatisfaction.
4. Your Career Path
Career trajectories are as diverse as individuals.
For some, climbing the corporate ladder is fulfilling, while others may take on creative projects, entrepreneurial ventures, or even opt for mid-career shifts.
None of these paths require external validation.
Society often promotes the idea that one’s career should follow a traditional path.
And not just society, some well-meaning people or even members may try to force us into conventional career paths, especially when you ask them for help with finances or some of life’s problems.
Being forced to explain deviations from that path can cause anxiety, feelings of regret, or undue pressure.
Focus on personal fulfillment and passion when choosing your career, and let go of the need to constantly explain your choices to others who may not understand your motivations.
5. Your Financial Choices
Your financial management, whether it involves saving diligently or choosing to spend on your passions, is a personal matter that requires no outside validation.
Now this doesn’t mean you should be careless about reckless spendings.
It is about choosing what to share and what not to share.
It’s about deciding when someone can complain about your personal choices and when they can’t.
Many people experience stress related to financial decisions due to societal competitiveness.
Constant comparisons can lead to stress, financial fear, or shame.
Set boundaries and stick to them. People should only know what you want them to know.
Tell them, “I’m comfortable with the financial choices I’m making right now, thank you.”
6. Your Body and Appearance
Pressure about body image and appearance is ubiquitous, and society often coerces individuals—especially women—into defending their physical appearance.
Whether it’s about body weight, clothing styles, or cosmetic changes, these decisions should remain completely personal.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, body image issues contribute to widespread anxiety disorders.
This pressure creates an unhealthy link between appearance and self-worth.
It is so bad that so many now believe unless they grow muscles or expose their bodies, they are not good-looking.
But see, it’s not about doing or not doing, it’s about understanding how your choices affect you, emotionally and spiritually.
Focus on practicing self-love and fostering a healthy mind-body connection.
Rather than explaining your appearance, affirm your choices: “I’m happy with the way I look, and that’s what matters.”
7. Your Identity
Your identity is yours to own, and others must respect it without pressuring you to articulate it or bring it down to their level.
Constantly having to explain your identity can lead to emotional exhaustion and feelings of marginalization.
The Mental Health America organization emphasizes that affirming environments have a protective effect on mental well-being.
To reinforce your self-esteem, remind yourself (and others, when necessary): “This is who I am, and I don’t need to justify that.”
8. Your Religious or Spiritual Beliefs
Your spiritual or non-spiritual path is a deeply personal matter that you shouldn’t have to justify—whether that involves practicing a religion, being spiritual, or simply choosing no affiliation.
Explaining your religious practices (or lack thereof) can often breed discomfort, spiritual fatigue, and feelings of being judged by those who don’t share your views.
Remember, you can respectfully decline getting involved in something you’re not comfortable with.
Many have been tricked into joining cults and secret societies without knowing what they were getting into.
But in the end I believe Jesus Christ is the Son of God who came do die for the sins of the world. (John 3:16).
Ever since I started believing in Him, I’ve seen notable miracles. I’ve seen the lame walk, the dumb speak, the blind eyes open, even the dead are raised to life.
This is too much for anyone to deny the existence of God.
9. Your Decision to Say “No”
Setting boundaries often means saying no to things that don’t serve you—be it events, conversations, or favors.
You never need to offer elaborate justifications for putting your mental and emotional health first.
For someone like me, occasionally I have a hard time being in a crowd.
Once I’m mentally stressed, the last thing I want is to have many people around. So I can decide to say not to gatherings or conversations.
My brain processes humans, once I have many of them in my space, it just gets to work without my permission.
This is why I try to avoid these situation and I don’t owe anyone explanation for that.
People-pleasing is exhausting and can erode your sense of self. Saying no without explanation allows you to maintain control over your life and avoid burnout.
10. Your Past Mistakes
We all have past mistakes or regrets, but you do not owe anyone your peace of mind just to relive them.
Your past is part of your personal journey and growth, not someone else’s scrutiny.
Psychologically, revisiting past mistakes according to others’ timelines can lead to emotional burnout and hinder your progress in moving forward.
Unfortunately, some people just have a habit of digging up people’s past because it makes them look good before their friends.
You regret what you did. You’ve made peace with yourself and God.
Don’t let anyone drag you into reliving the horrible experience you want to forget.
Some of them just sit there listening but once you’re done, their attitude towards you from that day will make you realize you made the worst mistake of your life telling these loose individual about your past.
Focus on the present and how you’ve grown, confidently explaining, “I’ve moved on from that experience, and I prefer to keep my focus on the present.”
You don’t owe any personally dissatisfied person an explanation about your past. You give out what you want to give out when you want.
The Psychology of Not Owing Explanations
Learning to assert yourself without offering explanations is key to preserving your autonomy. Techniques for assertiveness, like “I” statements—“I appreciate your concern, but I’m confident in this choice”—help create clearer boundaries and build emotional resilience.
You need to get great validation from yourself, not from others.
Self-validation, or deriving worth from within rather than external approval (which mostly ends in a disaster), is crucial for psychological well-being.
Self-validation allows you to say, “I matter, my choices are valid, and I don’t need anyone’s permission.”
Constant explanations lead to “cognitive overload,” according to a 2020 research study by the American Psychological Association.
This cognitive load not only promotes anxiety and stress but can also result in exhaustion and a diminished sense of self-worth.
Striking a Balance
I know we’ve said you don’t owe anyone explanations for these 10 things.
But there are people you owe explanations. These are
- Your Parents and Guardian: As long as these people are the ones you depend on for survival, you mostly have to explain things to them.
- Your Significant Other: Another person you mostly need to explain things to is your husband or wife. Honest, clear communication is essential if you want to have a successful marriage.
- Your Mentor: It’s important to have a mentor in most areas of your life. Your mentors have more experience in life, so explaining your decisions to them will help them guide you properly. I have people I follow for wisdom in specific areas of life. Marriage, business, spirituality, etc. This is because it’s hard to be an expert in all things at the same time. So I follow people and see them as mentors in the aspect of life I see they are succeeding most. Not on everything.
- Your kids: In order not to let a child get a wrong understanding of something they saw you do, you may need to wisely explain to them why you did what you did.
Practical Tips for Protecting Your Boundaries
Personal boundaries are the invisible lines that delineate what is acceptable and what is not in our interactions with others.
Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab, a psychologist and boundaries expert, defines personal boundaries as, “The safeguards we put in place to protect our mental, emotional, and physical well-being.”
Boundaries empower individuals by creating space between external demands and one’s inner needs, allowing for a healthier self-relationship.
Phrase Bank for Responding Without Explaining
Here are a few phrases you can use when people try to force you or rope you into needing to explain why you do what you do:
- “I prefer not to get into details, but I’m happy with my decision.”
- “That’s a personal choice, and it works for me.”
- “Thank you for your curiosity, but I’m comfortable with things as they are.”
But no, you don’t have to cram them. You just have to learn when to support yourself and stand by your decisions.
Recognize Gaslighting and Guilt Tripping
Gaslighting and guilt-tripping are manipulative tactics designed to make you doubt yourself.
Be alert to statements like, “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re selfish,” and remain confident in your boundaries.
Building Emotional Resilience
Mindfulness, cognitive reframing (challenging negative thoughts), and grounding exercises can help develop emotional resilience when pressured to explain. The more you practice asserting your boundaries, the easier it will become.
If you are naturally agreeable and empathic, you will need to constantly work on yourself to strengthen your mind and be the person you want to be.
Conclusion
Your life is yours to live, and your choices are yours alone. Your journey is unique, and most decisions you make don’t require external validation or explanation.
Owning your narrative and setting firm boundaries is empowering and liberating.
But don’t forget there are people who will need to have you explain things to them on several occasions.
These are your parents, your significant other, your mentor, and even kids too.
Starting today, take action toward prioritizing self-care and asserting your choices confidently. You deserve it.
Expert Tips
Here are professionally recommended things you can do to help yourself.
Quick Mindfulness Practices
When feeling pressured, take a deep breath, count to five, and respond from a place of calm. Grounding yourself will help keep your emotions in check.
Books on Boundary-Setting
- “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
- “The Assertiveness Workbook” by Randy J. Paterson.
Seeking Professional Help
If you find yourself constantly overwhelmed by the pressure to explain, consulting a therapist can provide tailored strategies to address these challenges. Look for warning signs like chronic fatigue, anxiety, or struggles with self-worth as indicators.
No one is above getting help when it is needed.
Not too long ago, Cristiano Ronaldo had to see Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist.
See an expert, if you’re not sure what to do.
Additional Support Resources
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT is a well-established therapy that can help you work through patterns related to over-explaining and people-pleasing. Speak to a professional if you find it difficult to establish healthy boundaries consistently.
Boundaries Workbook Recommendations
Books like “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab offer practical exercises to refine your boundary-setting abilities in both personal and professional life.
Making great decisions by T D Jakes is another group that help you make decisions with confidence.
Take good care of your mind. Nearly everything depends on it.
